Taylor Swift is so right about you.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
