so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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