My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
