Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
