I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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