my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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