I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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