I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
