so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
