it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
