So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
