The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't think brook has ever known best
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
