wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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