a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize