apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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