This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize