my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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