Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
