I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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