I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Congratulations! We have a period
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
