If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
