ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wish I only lived at night.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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