She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
