never play flip cup with pint glasses
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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