So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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