her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
