apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
is wine microwaveable?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
