So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
