??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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