I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
