I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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