theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
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