I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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