Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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