Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
