im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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