so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
