the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
