Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
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