Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
