Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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