Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I met the friendliest cop last night
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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