You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
