I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
