Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
