I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I see more hoeing in ur future
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