My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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