He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
