I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
