Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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