Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
