Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
