A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
