i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
