Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize