No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
