dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
