something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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