I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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