I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
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