You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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