He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
